One of the best things about getting out of Orange County is taking advantage of the awesome Burbank and Los Angeles public library systems. In the four months I've lived here, I've rented literally hundreds of CDs, graphic novels and DVDs. The Burbank library on Victory is especially great, since they offer basically every new release imaginable, and rentals only cost a dollar.
But that's not what I want to talk about.
See, the other day I stopped by the Vanowen branch after working out at the gym. I was kind of sweaty, sure, but I figured I'd be in and out in five minutes. No problem. I grab a stack of CDs, a couple graphic novels, and two DVDs: MARATHON MAN and THE APARTMENT.
Except while I'm waiting in line, I start to smell the most foul stench imaginable. This isn't just body odor; it's the kind of stink you would associate with a homeless person, or maybe a contestant on SURVIVOR after the full 39 days. It's so pungent that the people in line beside me start wrinkling their noses and shooting me disapproving looks. Even the library clerk is glaring daggers at me.
And now I feel just terrible. I'm the fresh-from-the-gym asshole stinking up the entire library. I'm Pigpen. I'm the Bog of Eternal Stench. I check out as quickly as possible and slink out of there, avoiding eye contact all the way.
But even after I got out of the shower, my apartment still stank. The B.O. just hanging in the air. So now I'm thinking, Christ Almighty, what's wrong with me? A smell like that can't be healthy, right?
So later I pop THE APARTMENT in the DVD player and it gets spit right back out. Turns out the disc has a crack running all the way through it, and some MENSA member decided to fix the problem by scotch-taping the disc back together. Nice work, MacGyver. Disappointed, I return the disc to its case...
And the smell almost makes me gag.
Holy. Shit.
The smell was coming from the DVD case.
Like a hobo dipped in sewage, then rolled in steamed broccoli and baby shit. This is what you imagine Gary Busey's bathroom smells like. Or the Necronomicon.
And this shouldn't even be physically possible, right? I mean, it's just a DVD case. There's no way this thing should be able to trap and maintain such a fierce funk. A ratty old couch, maybe an article of clothing...sure, that I could see. But a plastic DVD case? How is that even possible?
Maybe it's haunted. Maybe a homeless guy died in the library bathroom or something, and his favorite actor was Jack Lemmon. I just don't know.
UPDATE: I was planning on investigating further, but the smell is spreading. After being stacked atop THE APARTMENT all night long, now the MARATHON MAN DVD case smells just as bad. It's contagious.
And I'm getting that fucker out of my apartment right now.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
THE APARTMENT stinks.
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5 comments:
Dude,
That is "Very" bad news. I would also kill some chickens or something and do some kind of religious confession or other penance asap.
I am actually pretty nervous about even posting the comment right now.
e.
Jeremy, let's run this through the Fridge Test and see what happens.
So I'm standing at the fridge after reading your post, I crack open the door. CLICK: the light blinks on. A gentle gust of chilly air washes over my knees. And I stop right there, a statue holding the door half open, pondering...
Random thoughts:
1. The offending DVD case was on the shelf before you grabbed it. No way to tell how long it was there before you arrived. Maybe days, maybe minutes if the clerk had just returned it.
2. I'm assuming the clerk never opened the case, otherwise they would've noticed the broken, scotch-taped DVD. So the smell had to be leaking out the whole time -- or the source of the odor was covering the *outside* of the DVD case, which seems more likely given the assumption the DVD case was never opened while you were there. (You already stated the smell was from the case itself and not the DVD.) How did the clerk miss this pungent smell when checking the DVD back in after its return and walking it back to the shelves? Answer: perhaps the smell WAS NOT THERE when the clerk checked it back in. DUM DUM DAAAAAAAAH!
3. It's not stated explicitly if you discovered the smell before or after the people in line with you. I'm going to guess the people in line (and the clerk) were way ahead of you. In your gym-sweat-soaked state, you would've registered the smell long after the soaped-and-baby-powdered gentry around you.
4. Your observation that the smell transfered to the Marathon Man case pretty much confirms the source of the smell is some particulate or pasty matter clinging to the outside of the DVD case.
OK, we don' need no steenkin' Sherlock to draw some conclusions here.
Here's what happened.
Theory 1: While finishing up at your gym, or while on your way to the library, somehow you got invisible shit on your hand. ('shit' = scientific jargon meaning 'something hideous I touched.') Aforementioned Shit transfered to the DVD case AND Marathon Man case -- you only noticed the Marathon Man stench later -- when you picked them up. Subconsciously you registered this new noxious funk at the time it transfered to your hand, but your logic overrode it with the simple thought, "Pee-eeeew. Note to self: purchase industrial-strength deodorant for gym."
The only thing punching a tiny leak in this theory is the scotch-taped DVD inside the case. It suggests the last renter was a complete moron, a moron just as likely to wipe their ass with a DVD case as a scrap of toilet paper.
Theory 2: The last renter was a complete moron who wiped their ass with The Apartment's DVD case instead of a scrap of toilet paper.
Theory 3: This is a sign that I should break the shrink-wrap on my bargain-bin purchased copy of Marathon Man and actually watch it.
Sounds like The Ring of stink.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Digg or it didn't happen...
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