If you own stock in New Line...

Sell, bitches, sell.

I remember when New Line gave the greenlight to THE GOLDEN COMPASS and a lot of people got bent out of shape over its supposedly controversial religious themes. "Turning that book into a movie? They're crazy!"

And I agreed with them...just for different reasons.

The problem with Pullman's novels has nothing to do with God and everything to do with his goddamn awful writing. THE GOLDEN COMPASS is more of a travelogue than any sort of true adventure, as Lyra glumly gets shuffled from one location to the next while a cast of interchangeable characters bark exposition at her.

Of course, that description could also be applied to Tolkien's books, a fact that probably wasn't lost on New Line. The difference being, of course, that Frodo 'N Friends were visiting abandoned mines and fantastic Elvish cities suspended in the trees. Lyra, on the other hand, sets her sights on heart-stopping destinations like:

--A university.
--A rich lady's house.
--A restaurant.
--An alley.
--A gypsy's boat.
--An icy field.
--Some random village.
--Another icy field.
--A cafeteria filled with kids.
--Another icy field.

I suspect Chris Weitz is going to catch a lot of flak for the movie's lifeless pace and pointless meandering--there's a baffling 20 minute detour spent in Angry Polar Bear Land that has NOTHING to do with the rest of the movie--and that's sort of unfair. Pullman is the one who fucked this up; Weitz's biggest sin was not tossing the source material out the window and starting over himself.

I happen to like Weitz. (ABOUT A BOY was a great movie, and I'll knife-fight anyone who says otherwise.) He's simply out of his element when it comes to the epic stuff. The film has only two real action sequences: one a CGI slapfight between two polar bears, the other a dreary and confusing night battle as the film limps toward a laughably unsatisfying climax. That's not the sort of epic adventure you want to gamble half a billion dollars on.

(Don't get me wrong: every penny is up onscreen...it's simply being wasted on things that aren't particularly impressive. CGI housecats walking beside people. Polar bears tromping through the snow. A mouse poking out of someone's shirt. You get the picture.)

So save your money, folks. And here's hoping that Weitz doesn't go down with the ship on this one. He's too talented of a director to wind up in Hollywood purgatory just because Phillip Pullman wouldn't know a plot if one bit the tip of his dick off.

In other news, I survived the big moving day and am now hunkered down in North Hollywood with my traumatized cat, a ridiculously cool TV and a big empty space where a refrigerator is supposed to be.

If anyone wants to hang out, I'm real easy to find: I'm the white guy.